The Color of Emotion

Recently, I was thinking about the impact that I want my photography to leave. In many ways, photography is simply art, something beautiful, creative, and expressive. I want it to be something more than that. As a result of my thoughts, I consulted with a young woman who was the subject of a very special project last year. She was very enthusiastic about my posting this. May it be hopeful, encouraging, and provoking.

Note: This format, I believe, does not quite do the project justice, but here it is nonetheless.

The Color of Emotion

This is a story of an eating disorder. This is a story of hope. This is a story of healing.

Brooke, 18, has struggled with an eating disorder for the past several years. Her family and friends have few pictures of her; those they have do not please her. She does not like the Brooke she sees. For many years, Brooke has not seen herself as beautiful, and she is in fact, quite lovely. Her personal story is long and involved and likely echoes the stories of other young ladies in her situation.

What stands out? The emotions.

This project was intended to pictorially show that very thing. Her emotions stand out.

Each image visually represents something very powerful to Brooke, who helped in the design of this project. The elements of the scene are intentional. The scale, toilet, refrigerator, mirror. Her placement in each situation is to say something also. For example, as she sits in front of the refrigerator, she is small- in essence, making a statement that if she turns her back on food and remains in control, she can be exactly what she wants to be, small. But the image does not strike you as victorious, but as hopeless, which is how she feels regardless of her actions. Her clothes are normal and drab to make the emotions, shown in the blindfolds, that much more powerful.

The blindfolds represent a lot in this project. Instead of making the viewer guess on its meaning, I want the viewer to understand it in its entirety. First, on its most basic level, the blindfolds are Brooke’s emotions. These colors show what she feels. Some of the colors may not connect with the audience’s understanding of her emotion, but it hits her at the core of her being. Also, in specific photographs, the blindfold means different things. It was a difficult task for Brooke to stand and sit on a scale and not see what it said. Simply having her stand there, eyes covered, was showing her growth. As Brooke stands before the mirror, even though she cannot see herself, her reaction is the same as if she could. She continues to use a posture to make herself smaller. In the picture with the white blindfold, it is no longer on her face. She lifts it up, surrendering her eating disorder, her emotions, and her whole life to God, asking for His help. In the last image, she lifts all the emotions, and in this act, is able to celebrate and worship God.

The following statements are from Brooke. The colors used in this project are from her, which accompanied many of these descriptions of her emotions.

“When I step on the scale, I feel.... it really depends on the number on the scale, if it's in a certain (low) range I can feel really ecstatic and proud but if it's 1 pound higher than I like, it can ruin me for days to where I feel completely useless and unworthy of anything.”

“If I were to step on a scale and not know what it says, I would freak out. I would probably have a panic attack, especially if someone else got to see it and I didn't. Turning my back on a scale forever feels... impossible.”

“Deciding what food to eat is...ridiculous and I feel...like crap because no decision is the right one. Food makes me feel...lost, scared, and less powerful (out of control).”

“Looking at my body makes me feel... completely out of control and terribly disappointed in myself. In the mirror, I see me. And that makes me feel... fat, disgusting, and ugly.”

“I was thinking mainly about the final picture and how it could be really awesome to just have me standing in a field looking up and lifting my blindfold to God, because that's the final outcome... I brought it to God and I gave it to Him, which brings more joy than what I thought was possible.”

Brooke and I started our afternoon by praying and giving the project to God. Then we took part in a powerful transformation of a wonderful young woman. She started uneasy behind the camera, uncomfortable standing on a scale, and not knowing what it said, and not sure of how she’d feel as she saw the pictures. By the time it came for her to close the door and go home, she was smiling, amazed to see how beautiful she really is.

I give many thanks to my dear friend Brooke who was willing to be truly vulnerable in order to grow. I am thankful that she is learning to daily give her burdens to God and live in freedom.